Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Sorry about the hiatus!

PJ's been out since Sunday visiting her new grandbaby, so we've been keeping pretty busy. As you can imagine, Sam's getting plenty of attention. He's up over eight pounds now -- the doc says he's gaining about two ounces a day. They way he's constantly attached to Julie's chest, I can't say any of us are surprised. I am getting a bit more sleep lately, but that's only because my wife has been a real sweetie and hasn't been waking me whenever Sam wakes her up, which is pretty much every hour. It's amazing to see the changes in him on a daily basis, particularly with his focus and attention span. I nearly got through my entire Amway pitch yesterday before he started to fuss. Give me another week and he'll be part of my pyramid!

Okay, for those of you thinking, "Yeah, yeah, the kid's cute, but can you please write about something else?" how's this:

I have the uncanny ability to be able to tell whether someone is a dick or a bitch within one second of me looking at them. There's a Dick 'n' Bitch aura that a dick or bitch just can't get rid of, and I am tuned into the aura. Most of these dicks and bitches I see behind the wheel of a car, or walking through the mall, or at a sporting event, or at a bar. When I see the aura, I immediately try to get as far from them as possible so that they don't fuck up my groove. Unfortunately, dicks and bitches love to drive, love to shop, love to go to games and love to party. So inevitably I avoid one dick or bitch only to run into one who fucks up my groove.

Lately I've been in a nearly indestructible groove. Dicks and bitches have been bouncing clean off me without the slightest bit of their aura infecting my groove. But today a bitch came damn close. I was on the highway in my Subaru Outback, driving about 75 in a 65, and driving in the right lane. The traffic was kind of heavy, and there were lots of cars in the left lane. Suddenly a huge Ford Expedition barrels up behind me and gets to within about a foot and a half of my bumper. I look in my rear-view mirror and see the driver -- the bitch -- with her bitchy aura and bitchy face looking in her mirrors trying to see when she'll be able to get into the left lane because dammit, the bitch had somewhere to be! Like I said, there was a fair amount of left-lane traffic, so she wasn't able to get over. After a full minute, I felt my groove start to fade. So I pressed my brakes, giving her the universal sign for "Get off my ass." She didn't get off my ass. She stayed right on it until she got the smallest of breaks, cut in front of someone in the left lane, and then flipped me off as she went by. There were, of course, kids in her back seat.

My thoughts turned to homicide, and my groove really faltered. But I took a deep breath, stayed in my lane a full three seconds behind the car in front of me, and let my groove repair itself. In spite of her best efforts, the bitch couldn't fuck up my groove.

Keep your grooves intact, peeps!


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