In the ultimate cop-out move, I am listing my 13 favorite Thursday 13s from Boiled Dinner's illustrious history. So sue me!
13. 13 Mythical Beasts
12. 13 Things People Frequently Say or Write that Annoy the Crap out of Me
11. 13 Favorite Comedy Teams
10. 13 Favorite Sitcoms
9. 13 Things that Make Me Happy
8. 13 Things that Annoy Me About Air Travel
7. 13 Things I Don't Get
6. 13 Words I Love
5. 13 Things about the Holidays that Bug Me
4. 13 Multiple-view Movies
3. 13 of My Super Powers
2. 13 Words (be sure to read the follow-up post too)
1. 13 Blog Sniglets
Showing posts with label Thursday 13. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thursday 13. Show all posts
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
13 of My Super Powers
Here are 13 reasons I could be on Heroes:
13. The Power of Throwing Accurately. I can throw something from one side of the room and have it land right where I want it to, such as in a trash can or on a pile of laundry. I am particularly adept at banking, and at throwing objects that curve in flight.
12. The Power of Finding the Telephone. My wife and kids never replace the cordless phone on its base when they're done speaking; they just set it down when they hang up. I can always find the phone, even when it's in the hamper.
11. The Power to Tune my Guitar Without Artificial Aid. I have perfect pitch for the low E.
10. The Power of Quoting 80s Comedy Movie Lines, Especially Fletch, Caddyshack and Stripes. It's all ball bearings these days.
9. The Power of Cereal Knowledge. I know exactly which type of cereal should be eaten in any circumstance, any time of day.
8. The Power to Not Hit the Snooze Button. I am able to get out of bed within five seconds of the alarm going off.
7. The Power to Keep a Safe Distance Between Me and the Car in Front of Me. No matter what the traffic situation or speed, I am able to innately calculate a safe distance between my car and the car in front of me that, were the car in front of me to stop suddently, would give me three seconds to stop.
6. The Power to Touch a Hot Iron Without Getting Burned. I have some sort of alien substance in my saliva that enables me to lick my finger, touch an iron, and not burn myself.
5. The Power to Not Finish Sentences. When speaking out loud, I can make you understand my point before I've finished the sentence, and when that moment occur, I immediately begin the next sentence, which most likely will not be finished either.
4. The Power to Run on Ice. If I am running along a sidewalk, and suddenly find myself running on ice, I am able to continue running without slipping and falling down.
3. The Power to Be Condescending With Only My Eyebrows. I need not utter a word.
2. The Power to Move My Eyes Independently. I can cross one eye, move it back, cross the other, and have one crossed while I move the other back and forth.
1. The Power to Park Close. I have the uncanny ability to always get a parking spot, and always get it close to my ultimate destination.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
13. The Power of Throwing Accurately. I can throw something from one side of the room and have it land right where I want it to, such as in a trash can or on a pile of laundry. I am particularly adept at banking, and at throwing objects that curve in flight.
12. The Power of Finding the Telephone. My wife and kids never replace the cordless phone on its base when they're done speaking; they just set it down when they hang up. I can always find the phone, even when it's in the hamper.
11. The Power to Tune my Guitar Without Artificial Aid. I have perfect pitch for the low E.
10. The Power of Quoting 80s Comedy Movie Lines, Especially Fletch, Caddyshack and Stripes. It's all ball bearings these days.
9. The Power of Cereal Knowledge. I know exactly which type of cereal should be eaten in any circumstance, any time of day.
8. The Power to Not Hit the Snooze Button. I am able to get out of bed within five seconds of the alarm going off.
7. The Power to Keep a Safe Distance Between Me and the Car in Front of Me. No matter what the traffic situation or speed, I am able to innately calculate a safe distance between my car and the car in front of me that, were the car in front of me to stop suddently, would give me three seconds to stop.
6. The Power to Touch a Hot Iron Without Getting Burned. I have some sort of alien substance in my saliva that enables me to lick my finger, touch an iron, and not burn myself.
5. The Power to Not Finish Sentences. When speaking out loud, I can make you understand my point before I've finished the sentence, and when that moment occur, I immediately begin the next sentence, which most likely will not be finished either.
4. The Power to Run on Ice. If I am running along a sidewalk, and suddenly find myself running on ice, I am able to continue running without slipping and falling down.
3. The Power to Be Condescending With Only My Eyebrows. I need not utter a word.
2. The Power to Move My Eyes Independently. I can cross one eye, move it back, cross the other, and have one crossed while I move the other back and forth.
1. The Power to Park Close. I have the uncanny ability to always get a parking spot, and always get it close to my ultimate destination.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
13 Multiple-view Movies
Driving home from my hockey game Tuesday night (my first since last August, which means that today simple tasks such as wiggling my pinky cause me to wince in "holy shit, I gotta get back into shape" pain, but that's a whole nother issue) I started thinking that it was time for another viewing of Miracle. Which gave me my idea for today's Thursday 13. These are all movies that I can watch (and have watched) over and over again, enjoying them equally every single time. In no particular order:
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Friday, January 12, 2007
13 Words -- The Results
First of all, if you haven't done the 13 Word associations in the post below this one, stop reading this and go do it.
Now.
Okay. Paula does these Sunday Mutters posts every, um, Sunday, which are free association things, so that's kind of where I got the idea for this. But it was also a post that PJ had up the other day about the word "bitch" that got me thinking about words and how popular culture can adapt, revise, or completely change their meanings.
All of the words I picked have popular meanings or associations that have little to nothing to do with their actual dictionary definition (though for some of them, the pop meaning has become so common it's now in the dictionary as a slang definition). Here's how the responses broke down. I'll put the word, the association/definition, and number of people who wrote something related to that:
UPDATED AS OF 4 P.M. MST ON 1/12/07
WAFFLE
Something you eat for breakfast - 11
Personality trait regarding decision making or taking a side - 2
DUDE
Having to do with a ranch - 6 (Keera put Yankee Doodle, which is actually the closest to the real meaning of a city slicker vacationing out West)
Slang term used for anyone, anything, anywhere - 6
Sub - 1 (Um, Nat?)
GAY
Homosexual - 11
Happy & Fun - 2 (JennyJinx put Gay Paree, which could be argued belongs in the "homosexual" camp today, but since its origins were at the turn of the 19th/20th century, I'm calling it happy & fun; Joe's "Gay 90s" was referring, so he says, to the Gay 1890s, though there's this club in Minnesota...)
GRILL
Having to do with cooking - 11
Having to do with a car - 1
Having to do with teeth - 1
RACK
Having to do with food - 4
Having to do with breastssss - 4
Having to do with storage - 3 (I included Joe's "Rack 'em up" in here, as you're putting the balls in a rack)
Having to do with torture - 1 (um, SuperSnark?)
Having to do with nothing that has to do with rack - 1 (that would be JennyJinx)
CRIB
Having to do wiith a baby - 5
Place where someone lives - 3
Having to do with cheating - 4
LucyP did not associate "crib" with anything
ANAL
Having to do with sex - 5
Having to do with aliens - 3
Personality trait - 3
Having to do with a dog's sac - 1 (um, Jen?)
Having to do with itching - 1 (um, Keera?)
CHOICE
Having to do with abortion - 6
More generic synonym for "option" - 6
Having to do with coffee - 1
WEB
Having to do with spiders - 2
World Wide - 9 (I assumed the answers "junk" and "fun" were referring to this meaning)
Having to do with lying - 2
BAKE
Having to do with food - 12
Having to do with weed - 1 (I'm assuming that's what SuperSnark meant when she put "burn," although, that could also apply to food, eh?)
PIG
The barnyard animal - 11
An insult - 1 (paired with "fucker")
Slob - 1
HOE
Garden tool - 7
Redneck Dance Party - 4
Derogatory term for a woman - 2 (I'm assuming Crystal Dakin is an acquaintance, Erin?)
COCK
Rooster - 7
Penis - 4
Derogatory term for a man - 1
Depends on the origin - 1 (Looney's "cock and bull" -- the origin is debated here, and depending on which one you choose, you could be referring to a rooster)
(said in best Freudian accent) Verrrrry interestink. I screwed up with "bake" and should have put "baked" because I bet there would have been more in the weed camp. And I'm surprised no one put anything to do with cops under "pig."
Thoughts, profound or funny or otherwise?
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Now.
Okay. Paula does these Sunday Mutters posts every, um, Sunday, which are free association things, so that's kind of where I got the idea for this. But it was also a post that PJ had up the other day about the word "bitch" that got me thinking about words and how popular culture can adapt, revise, or completely change their meanings.
All of the words I picked have popular meanings or associations that have little to nothing to do with their actual dictionary definition (though for some of them, the pop meaning has become so common it's now in the dictionary as a slang definition). Here's how the responses broke down. I'll put the word, the association/definition, and number of people who wrote something related to that:
UPDATED AS OF 4 P.M. MST ON 1/12/07
WAFFLE
Something you eat for breakfast - 11
Personality trait regarding decision making or taking a side - 2
DUDE
Having to do with a ranch - 6 (Keera put Yankee Doodle, which is actually the closest to the real meaning of a city slicker vacationing out West)
Slang term used for anyone, anything, anywhere - 6
Sub - 1 (Um, Nat?)
GAY
Homosexual - 11
Happy & Fun - 2 (JennyJinx put Gay Paree, which could be argued belongs in the "homosexual" camp today, but since its origins were at the turn of the 19th/20th century, I'm calling it happy & fun; Joe's "Gay 90s" was referring, so he says, to the Gay 1890s, though there's this club in Minnesota...)
GRILL
Having to do with cooking - 11
Having to do with a car - 1
Having to do with teeth - 1
RACK
Having to do with food - 4
Having to do with breastssss - 4
Having to do with storage - 3 (I included Joe's "Rack 'em up" in here, as you're putting the balls in a rack)
Having to do with torture - 1 (um, SuperSnark?)
Having to do with nothing that has to do with rack - 1 (that would be JennyJinx)
CRIB
Having to do wiith a baby - 5
Place where someone lives - 3
Having to do with cheating - 4
LucyP did not associate "crib" with anything
ANAL
Having to do with sex - 5
Having to do with aliens - 3
Personality trait - 3
Having to do with a dog's sac - 1 (um, Jen?)
Having to do with itching - 1 (um, Keera?)
CHOICE
Having to do with abortion - 6
More generic synonym for "option" - 6
Having to do with coffee - 1
WEB
Having to do with spiders - 2
World Wide - 9 (I assumed the answers "junk" and "fun" were referring to this meaning)
Having to do with lying - 2
BAKE
Having to do with food - 12
Having to do with weed - 1 (I'm assuming that's what SuperSnark meant when she put "burn," although, that could also apply to food, eh?)
PIG
The barnyard animal - 11
An insult - 1 (paired with "fucker")
Slob - 1
HOE
Garden tool - 7
Redneck Dance Party - 4
Derogatory term for a woman - 2 (I'm assuming Crystal Dakin is an acquaintance, Erin?)
COCK
Rooster - 7
Penis - 4
Derogatory term for a man - 1
Depends on the origin - 1 (Looney's "cock and bull" -- the origin is debated here, and depending on which one you choose, you could be referring to a rooster)
(said in best Freudian accent) Verrrrry interestink. I screwed up with "bake" and should have put "baked" because I bet there would have been more in the weed camp. And I'm surprised no one put anything to do with cops under "pig."
Thoughts, profound or funny or otherwise?
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
13 Words.
What's the first association/definition that pops into your head when you read each of these words? Don't ponder it, just write the first thing.
13. Waffle
12. Dude
11. Gay
10. Grill
9. Rack
8. Crib
7. Anal
6. Choice
5. Web
4. Bake
3. Pig
2. Hoe
1. Cock
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
13. Waffle
12. Dude
11. Gay
10. Grill
9. Rack
8. Crib
7. Anal
6. Choice
5. Web
4. Bake
3. Pig
2. Hoe
1. Cock
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
13 Things about the Holidays that Bug Me
Let me start off by saying I'm the furthest thing from a Scrooge. I love the holidays. I love decorating the house and putting up lights and listening to Christmas music (especially Barbara Streisand's Christmas album, which is beautiful and ironic) and buying presents and making cookies. For me, it is the most wonderful time of the year.
All that said, there's some shit that really gets on my nerves.
13. Gift pressure. Just because someone gives you a gift shouldn't mean you have to feel obliged to give them a gift. But you do. Because no matter how much we fundamentally agree with "'Tis better to give than to receive," we still feel like it has to be an even exchange.
12. Advertising aimed at children. All children's programming should be ad-free.
11. Non-traditional/modern Christmas songs. Yes, I'm being a old fuddy duddy here, but when it comes to Christmas music I feel like, we have enough. We don't need anymore. I want to hear Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby and Ella Fitzgerald and Barbara Streisand singing the standards. I don't want to hear A Very Hillary Duff Christmas or Diddy's Christmas Shiznit or Mel Gibson's Jew-Hatin' Christmas Carols.
10. People who leave their Christmas lights up and lit until February and beyond. You have until January 10th to turn them off. After that, you're in violation.
9. The "Get Your Picture Taken With Santa" assembly line at the mall. It's an hour-and-a-half wait, and most of the kids don't want to be there. They know it's not the real Santa, and they're bored and tired and hungry.
8. The "I Hate the Holidays and You're Stupid for Liking Them" crowd.
7. TV and radio ads that rewrite the lyrics to Christmas carols and turn them into jingles.
6. Light strands that go out when one bulb goes bad so you gotta go through and change every freaking bulb until you find the guilty party. I know, I know, lights these days don't do that, but some of mine are older and do that and I like the lights and shut up!
5. Any and every plastic inflatable lawn Christmas ornament.
4. People who can't grasp the concept that some folks, like Jews and Muslims, don't celebrate Christmas.
3. People who worry about offending someone if you say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."
2. Rope lighting.
1. People who express their unprompted opinion as to when you should tell your child who Santa really is. I say, let 'em believe for as long as they can. When they find out the truth, that's when the magic ends.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
All that said, there's some shit that really gets on my nerves.
13. Gift pressure. Just because someone gives you a gift shouldn't mean you have to feel obliged to give them a gift. But you do. Because no matter how much we fundamentally agree with "'Tis better to give than to receive," we still feel like it has to be an even exchange.
12. Advertising aimed at children. All children's programming should be ad-free.
11. Non-traditional/modern Christmas songs. Yes, I'm being a old fuddy duddy here, but when it comes to Christmas music I feel like, we have enough. We don't need anymore. I want to hear Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby and Ella Fitzgerald and Barbara Streisand singing the standards. I don't want to hear A Very Hillary Duff Christmas or Diddy's Christmas Shiznit or Mel Gibson's Jew-Hatin' Christmas Carols.
10. People who leave their Christmas lights up and lit until February and beyond. You have until January 10th to turn them off. After that, you're in violation.
9. The "Get Your Picture Taken With Santa" assembly line at the mall. It's an hour-and-a-half wait, and most of the kids don't want to be there. They know it's not the real Santa, and they're bored and tired and hungry.
8. The "I Hate the Holidays and You're Stupid for Liking Them" crowd.
7. TV and radio ads that rewrite the lyrics to Christmas carols and turn them into jingles.
6. Light strands that go out when one bulb goes bad so you gotta go through and change every freaking bulb until you find the guilty party. I know, I know, lights these days don't do that, but some of mine are older and do that and I like the lights and shut up!
5. Any and every plastic inflatable lawn Christmas ornament.
4. People who can't grasp the concept that some folks, like Jews and Muslims, don't celebrate Christmas.
3. People who worry about offending someone if you say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."
2. Rope lighting.
1. People who express their unprompted opinion as to when you should tell your child who Santa really is. I say, let 'em believe for as long as they can. When they find out the truth, that's when the magic ends.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My 13 favorite lines from my new show.
Last night was our last rehearsal. Tonight we're recording all the vocals for the soundtrack CD, and tomorrow... we finally get to perform B.F.E. The Town that Christmas Forgot in front of an audience. Last night's rehearsal was a bit shaky, which is always a good sign. I really sucked the big one, so I'll kick ass tomorrow. Anyway, here are 13 lines/moments in the show that I'm particularly fond of:
13. Tyler: "Bum Fuck Egypt? Wow. I never knew it existed."
Mayor: "Of course it exists. If it didn't, we'd all live somewhere else."
Lonnie: "Not me!"
12. Tyler to Elizabeth, the town hooker: "Where is your place?"
Elizabeth: "It's the brothel and pancake house at the end of Main Street."
Clive: "Best blueberry hotcakes in town!"
Tyler: "Sounds great."
Clive: "Great blowjobs, too!"
11. Joey: "I think he has designs on ruining what our town is all about. What makes B.F.E. ours and ours alone. And he's going to use Terry to help him do it."
Mayor: "How's he going to do that?"
Joey: "I'm not sure. Hypnosis maybe. Or by conjuring up a demon."
10. Clive: "Say, Tyler, you got a good ass kickin' foot?"
Tyler: "A what?"
Clive: "An ass kickin' foot. You know, for the ass kickin' contest."
9. Lonnie: "Terry, you've known what's his name for a really long time."
Terry: "Joey?"
Lonnie: "Where?"
8. Elizabeth: "Terry, you want to talk to Tyler. Tyler, you want to talk to Terry."
Clive: "I want to talk to the animals."
7. Joey: "I'm telling you the truth, Burt. She's in love with Robertson!"
Mayor (Burt): "How can you be sure?"
Joey: "Because she told me!"
Mayor: "And what if she told you she were an earthworm, would you believe that?"
6. Terry: "She was wearing really old clothes, like the kind of clothes you wear when you get your picture taken and you want it to look like you were in the Wild West, only these weren't Wild West clothes so I guess that's not such a great example."
5. Tyler: "What did you say your name was?"
Terry: "Terry Bradshaw."
Tyler: "Wow. He was my hero growing up."
Terry: "Who?"
Tyler: "Terry Bradshaw."
Terry: "What?"
Tyler: "He was my hero."
Terry: "Who?"
Tyler: "Terry Bradshaw."
Terry: "What?"
Tyler: "Nevermind."
4. Joey (singing the song Fire): "I'm gay... Not that kind of gay! I'm just happy 'cause he'll burn today!"
3. Elizabeth: "I have had sex with every person in this town except for you. Now I've got a reputation to uphold so you stop by my place for a quickie and we'll be all square."
2. Lonnie: "One for me (she takes a drink from a beer). One for Tyler (she pours a little on the grave). One for me (she drinks again)."
1. Tyler: "Wow. Bum Fuck Egypt, huh?"
Mayor: "Ooh, careful. It's a family show. It's pronounced Bum Fuh Keygypt."
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
13. Tyler: "Bum Fuck Egypt? Wow. I never knew it existed."
Mayor: "Of course it exists. If it didn't, we'd all live somewhere else."
Lonnie: "Not me!"
12. Tyler to Elizabeth, the town hooker: "Where is your place?"
Elizabeth: "It's the brothel and pancake house at the end of Main Street."
Clive: "Best blueberry hotcakes in town!"
Tyler: "Sounds great."
Clive: "Great blowjobs, too!"
11. Joey: "I think he has designs on ruining what our town is all about. What makes B.F.E. ours and ours alone. And he's going to use Terry to help him do it."
Mayor: "How's he going to do that?"
Joey: "I'm not sure. Hypnosis maybe. Or by conjuring up a demon."
10. Clive: "Say, Tyler, you got a good ass kickin' foot?"
Tyler: "A what?"
Clive: "An ass kickin' foot. You know, for the ass kickin' contest."
9. Lonnie: "Terry, you've known what's his name for a really long time."
Terry: "Joey?"
Lonnie: "Where?"
8. Elizabeth: "Terry, you want to talk to Tyler. Tyler, you want to talk to Terry."
Clive: "I want to talk to the animals."
7. Joey: "I'm telling you the truth, Burt. She's in love with Robertson!"
Mayor (Burt): "How can you be sure?"
Joey: "Because she told me!"
Mayor: "And what if she told you she were an earthworm, would you believe that?"
6. Terry: "She was wearing really old clothes, like the kind of clothes you wear when you get your picture taken and you want it to look like you were in the Wild West, only these weren't Wild West clothes so I guess that's not such a great example."
5. Tyler: "What did you say your name was?"
Terry: "Terry Bradshaw."
Tyler: "Wow. He was my hero growing up."
Terry: "Who?"
Tyler: "Terry Bradshaw."
Terry: "What?"
Tyler: "He was my hero."
Terry: "Who?"
Tyler: "Terry Bradshaw."
Terry: "What?"
Tyler: "Nevermind."
4. Joey (singing the song Fire): "I'm gay... Not that kind of gay! I'm just happy 'cause he'll burn today!"
3. Elizabeth: "I have had sex with every person in this town except for you. Now I've got a reputation to uphold so you stop by my place for a quickie and we'll be all square."
2. Lonnie: "One for me (she takes a drink from a beer). One for Tyler (she pours a little on the grave). One for me (she drinks again)."
1. Tyler: "Wow. Bum Fuck Egypt, huh?"
Mayor: "Ooh, careful. It's a family show. It's pronounced Bum Fuh Keygypt."
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
13 Words I Love
13. Spackle
12. Fixin' (when used in lieu of "getting ready")
11. Sauce
10. Snap
9. Fuck (and all its variations)
8. Cat (when used like "dude" or "guy" or "man")
7. Dude
6. Shite
5. Balls
4. Boondoggle
3. Crotch
2. Moist
1. Biscuit
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12. Fixin' (when used in lieu of "getting ready")
11. Sauce
10. Snap
9. Fuck (and all its variations)
8. Cat (when used like "dude" or "guy" or "man")
7. Dude
6. Shite
5. Balls
4. Boondoggle
3. Crotch
2. Moist
1. Biscuit
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
13 Things I Don't Get
13. People who don't like chocolate.
12. Women who carry their dogs everywhere.
11. People who lean in to me like they're going to whisper, only to speak at normal volume.
10. Men who hang rubber ballsacks from the hitches of their trucks.
9. NASCAR.
8. People who keep their bluetooth earphones on when they're not talking on the goddamn phone.
7. People who eavesdrop on my conversation when I'm in a restaurant.
6. People who give advice without being asked for it.
5. People who don't warsh their hands after using the bathroom.
4. People who always want me to taste what they're eating.
3. Why it took so long for someone to put wheels and a retractible handle on a suitcase.
2. The popularity of reality TV.
1. Dry humping.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
12. Women who carry their dogs everywhere.
11. People who lean in to me like they're going to whisper, only to speak at normal volume.
10. Men who hang rubber ballsacks from the hitches of their trucks.
9. NASCAR.
8. People who keep their bluetooth earphones on when they're not talking on the goddamn phone.
7. People who eavesdrop on my conversation when I'm in a restaurant.
6. People who give advice without being asked for it.
5. People who don't warsh their hands after using the bathroom.
4. People who always want me to taste what they're eating.
3. Why it took so long for someone to put wheels and a retractible handle on a suitcase.
2. The popularity of reality TV.
1. Dry humping.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
13 Screenplays: UPDATED
Okay, another quiz. I'll make it easy on you, though, as I'll give you the answers. Just not in the right order. No search engines, damn you! Your knowledge (or your guesses) only!
Match the screenplay with the credited screenwriter (debates about uncredited or rewrites or who wrote the book or blah blah blah will be barfed on -- I'm looking for who was credited screenwriter):
UPDATE: I made a mistake with #12! Shouldn't have been Broadcast News -- Supposed to be Princess Bride. Sorry!
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Match the screenplay with the credited screenwriter (debates about uncredited or rewrites or who wrote the book or blah blah blah will be barfed on -- I'm looking for who was credited screenwriter):
UPDATE: I made a mistake with #12! Shouldn't have been Broadcast News -- Supposed to be Princess Bride. Sorry!
Final Score: Cheezy-5, Jen-3, Paula-3, David-1 (well, 2 if you count the one he got wrong but still swears he got right). Where was Pillock on this, btw? Figured he'd weigh in on a few.
1. The Verdict: E. David Mamet (Cheezy)
2. Chinatown: I. Robert Towne (Cheezy)
3. Network: G. Paddy Chayefsky (Cheezy)
4. True Romance: B. Quentin Tarantino (Paula)
5. Adaptation: J. Charlie Kaufman (Jen)
8. Unforgiven: A. David Webb Peoples (Cheezy)
10. The Shawshank Redemption: H. Frank Darabont (Jen)
12. Princess Bride: M. William Goldman (David, though I'm giving a point to Cheezy, Paula and Jen too because of my goof)
13. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial: F. Melissa Mathison (Paula)
No One Solved
6. To Kill a Mockingbird: L. Horton Foote
7. On the Waterfront: K. Budd Schulberg
9. North by Northwest: D. Ernest Lehman
11. Raiders of the Lost Ark: C. Lawrence Kasden
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
13 Blog Sniglets*
Given the popularity of blogs these days, I've taken to inventing some new terms.
13. Superiority Blogplex: Believing your blog is better than everyone else's.
12. Blogcicle: A person who never replies to your comments on his/her blog, nor does he/she ever comment on your blog.
11. Blogochondriac: A person who always blogs about how shitty he or she feels.
10. Bloggit: A gay blogger.
9. Kumblogah: The theme song for Give Peace a Chance bloggers.
8. Blogpolar: When someone is prone to extreme mood swings in their blogs and comments.
7. Kablog: When someone's blog disappears for no apparent reason.
6. Discomblogulated: When you can't remember whose blog you're reading.
5. O.D.B. (Ol' Dirty Blogger): Middle-aged and older men who comment on hot young girls' blogs.
4. Bloggies: A blogger's biggest fans. Dawn has a ridiculous amount of these.
3. Rebloggle: Repost one of your old blog posts because you can't think of anything new to write about.
2. Snakes on a Blog: "Someone get these motherfuckin' snakes off my motherfuckin' blog!"
1. Blog Hags: Hot women who only hang out with men who have blogs.
*The word "Sniglet" stolen from Rich Hall.
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13. Superiority Blogplex: Believing your blog is better than everyone else's.
12. Blogcicle: A person who never replies to your comments on his/her blog, nor does he/she ever comment on your blog.
11. Blogochondriac: A person who always blogs about how shitty he or she feels.
10. Bloggit: A gay blogger.
9. Kumblogah: The theme song for Give Peace a Chance bloggers.
8. Blogpolar: When someone is prone to extreme mood swings in their blogs and comments.
7. Kablog: When someone's blog disappears for no apparent reason.
6. Discomblogulated: When you can't remember whose blog you're reading.
5. O.D.B. (Ol' Dirty Blogger): Middle-aged and older men who comment on hot young girls' blogs.
4. Bloggies: A blogger's biggest fans. Dawn has a ridiculous amount of these.
3. Rebloggle: Repost one of your old blog posts because you can't think of anything new to write about.
2. Snakes on a Blog: "Someone get these motherfuckin' snakes off my motherfuckin' blog!"
1. Blog Hags: Hot women who only hang out with men who have blogs.
*The word "Sniglet" stolen from Rich Hall.
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Thursday, August 17, 2006
13 Things that Annoy Me About Air Travel
I, too, was struggling for a Thursday 13 topic, but Paula's Snakes on a Plane post sent me here.
13. Seats made of concrete. Honestly, would it cost the airlines that much more to use something a bit softer in the seats? A jumbo bag of cotton balls is only $0.72 wholesale. When my ass hurts, I get ornery.
12. Safety instructions. I would feel differently if seat belt and oxygen mask technology was as widely varied from plane to plane as audio file compression and playback is varied from mp3 player to mp3 player. But it's not. IT'S THE SAME SIMPLE GODDAMN LATCH MECHANISM ON THE SAME SIMPLE GODDAMN SEATBELT ON EVERY GODDAMN PLANE IN THE UNIVERSE. And do you really think you have to tell human beings to put their own oxygen mask on before helping the child or cripple sitting next to them? Hello?! When in danger, our true colors come out, and those true colors are to save our own asses first.
11. People who can't grasp the wheels-first concept of putting your carry-on into the overhead. Wheels to the back, handle facing out. It's that goddamn simple. Don't put it in there sideways taking up 3/4 of the bin so the poor old lady sitting in the row in front of you has to cram her knitting bag (sans needles, of course, wot with terrorism and all) under the seat in front of her. Wheels first. If it doesn't fit that way, check the bag you self-centered shitpie and wait at the baggage carousel with the rest of us.
10. Blaming terrorism for not feeding me anymore. The airline industry has been mismanaged for decades, but 9/11 happens and now, oh woe is me, we can't give you anything but a Baggie® half-full of trail mix we vacuumed up from underneath the cushions of our sofa. It's not that I relished the opportunity to eat a cold roast-beef sandwich with a side of runny coleslaw, but at least it helped settle my stomach after having to sit within a row of...
9. Silently flatulent guy. Dude, put some Beano® on your food for chrissakes! You're in a small, enclosed environment that is just recycling the same air that's been in the cabin for seven years! At least fess up. And if you really are so chicken shit that you don't want anyone to know it was you, don't look around with that "Who the hell did that" look on your face, either. Because you can't act. And while everyone else is looking around honestly wondering who the hell did it, I'm looking square at you. I know it was you. And someday, when you're sleeping, I'm going to sneak into your house and clog all your toilets.
8. Loud cell phone talkers. The second the plane touches down on the tarmac, they're yelling into their phones, "YEAH, WE JUST LANDED. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN WE GET OFF THE PLANE!" Why don't you just wait and call them when you get off the plane? Is the pre-call call really necessary? Is that their cue to get ready for the real call, when you're going to give them news that will change their life?
7. People who don't wait until everyone in front of them has gotten out of their row, gotten their carry-ons and started down the aisle toward the door to exit. Unless you are going to have to run full-sprint to make your next connection, wait your goddamn turn. Here's a newsflash: We all want to get off the plane. We've all been smelling #9 above, and we're all lightheaded. Don't try to sneak in front of me. They may have taken away all our sharp objects, but I'll stab you with a magazine, so help me God.
6. People who can't figure out where their seat is. I know they're using a secret code on your boarding pass, a two- or three-character code consisting of a one- or two-digit number followed by a letter typically within the range of A through F, though sometimes going as far into the alphabet as K, but here's where they screwed up: They put the same code on the plane! Seriously, I shit you not. You'd think that you'd need to have government clearance, or at least a box of Fruit Loops®, to have access to the secret decoder ring necessary to decode the code on your boarding pass, but no! You just need to match the code on your boarding pass with the IDENTICAL CODE UNDERNEATH THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS! No wonder the terrorists are having such an easy go of it.
5. Captains who talk to us over the shitty intercom system. Is he using an old speakerphone up there? Is he talking with his mouth full? I have no idea what he's saying, and I never have.
4. Loud breathers. You've been sitting motionless for an hour, why are you out of breath? I can't hear myself think because you sound like you just ran up the bleachers at Fenway. Bring a hose, attach one end to the vent above your head, wrap your lips around the other end and breathe deeply.
3. People sitting at the window who have to get up and use the bathroom five times when I'm sitting at the aisle trying to sleep. Either stop drinking so much or get a catheter. I have a difficult enough time sleeping on a plane in the first place. On the rare occasion I actually do doze off, let me be!
2. People who don't wait for their row or zone to be called before they get in line to board. This was mocked in Meet the Parents. Brian Regan does a funny bit about it. Everyone I know complains about it. So who the hell are these zombies? Why are you in line? They should have to go to the very back of the line and board after everyone who followed instructions has boarded, found their seats, stowed their carry-ons and bought one thing from SkyMall®.
1. People who recline their seats all the way back when someone -- me -- is sitting behind them. Admit it, you do this one, don't you? Isn't this the ultimate selfish act? "I know your knees are already pressed into your chest because the rows are only three inches apart, but I can't be expected to sit all upright during this flight from Chicago to Indianapolis! So I'm just going to lie back directly into your lap, completely impeding your ability to do such worthless things as read, use your laptop computer, or retain blood flow to your feet." Then the icing on the cake is when I try to shift my weight just a tad and bump the back of your seat, and you act like I'm rudely disrupting your comfort. Just so you know, when you die, it will be from strangulation.
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13. Seats made of concrete. Honestly, would it cost the airlines that much more to use something a bit softer in the seats? A jumbo bag of cotton balls is only $0.72 wholesale. When my ass hurts, I get ornery.
12. Safety instructions. I would feel differently if seat belt and oxygen mask technology was as widely varied from plane to plane as audio file compression and playback is varied from mp3 player to mp3 player. But it's not. IT'S THE SAME SIMPLE GODDAMN LATCH MECHANISM ON THE SAME SIMPLE GODDAMN SEATBELT ON EVERY GODDAMN PLANE IN THE UNIVERSE. And do you really think you have to tell human beings to put their own oxygen mask on before helping the child or cripple sitting next to them? Hello?! When in danger, our true colors come out, and those true colors are to save our own asses first.
11. People who can't grasp the wheels-first concept of putting your carry-on into the overhead. Wheels to the back, handle facing out. It's that goddamn simple. Don't put it in there sideways taking up 3/4 of the bin so the poor old lady sitting in the row in front of you has to cram her knitting bag (sans needles, of course, wot with terrorism and all) under the seat in front of her. Wheels first. If it doesn't fit that way, check the bag you self-centered shitpie and wait at the baggage carousel with the rest of us.
10. Blaming terrorism for not feeding me anymore. The airline industry has been mismanaged for decades, but 9/11 happens and now, oh woe is me, we can't give you anything but a Baggie® half-full of trail mix we vacuumed up from underneath the cushions of our sofa. It's not that I relished the opportunity to eat a cold roast-beef sandwich with a side of runny coleslaw, but at least it helped settle my stomach after having to sit within a row of...
9. Silently flatulent guy. Dude, put some Beano® on your food for chrissakes! You're in a small, enclosed environment that is just recycling the same air that's been in the cabin for seven years! At least fess up. And if you really are so chicken shit that you don't want anyone to know it was you, don't look around with that "Who the hell did that" look on your face, either. Because you can't act. And while everyone else is looking around honestly wondering who the hell did it, I'm looking square at you. I know it was you. And someday, when you're sleeping, I'm going to sneak into your house and clog all your toilets.
8. Loud cell phone talkers. The second the plane touches down on the tarmac, they're yelling into their phones, "YEAH, WE JUST LANDED. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN WE GET OFF THE PLANE!" Why don't you just wait and call them when you get off the plane? Is the pre-call call really necessary? Is that their cue to get ready for the real call, when you're going to give them news that will change their life?
7. People who don't wait until everyone in front of them has gotten out of their row, gotten their carry-ons and started down the aisle toward the door to exit. Unless you are going to have to run full-sprint to make your next connection, wait your goddamn turn. Here's a newsflash: We all want to get off the plane. We've all been smelling #9 above, and we're all lightheaded. Don't try to sneak in front of me. They may have taken away all our sharp objects, but I'll stab you with a magazine, so help me God.
6. People who can't figure out where their seat is. I know they're using a secret code on your boarding pass, a two- or three-character code consisting of a one- or two-digit number followed by a letter typically within the range of A through F, though sometimes going as far into the alphabet as K, but here's where they screwed up: They put the same code on the plane! Seriously, I shit you not. You'd think that you'd need to have government clearance, or at least a box of Fruit Loops®, to have access to the secret decoder ring necessary to decode the code on your boarding pass, but no! You just need to match the code on your boarding pass with the IDENTICAL CODE UNDERNEATH THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS! No wonder the terrorists are having such an easy go of it.
5. Captains who talk to us over the shitty intercom system. Is he using an old speakerphone up there? Is he talking with his mouth full? I have no idea what he's saying, and I never have.
4. Loud breathers. You've been sitting motionless for an hour, why are you out of breath? I can't hear myself think because you sound like you just ran up the bleachers at Fenway. Bring a hose, attach one end to the vent above your head, wrap your lips around the other end and breathe deeply.
3. People sitting at the window who have to get up and use the bathroom five times when I'm sitting at the aisle trying to sleep. Either stop drinking so much or get a catheter. I have a difficult enough time sleeping on a plane in the first place. On the rare occasion I actually do doze off, let me be!
2. People who don't wait for their row or zone to be called before they get in line to board. This was mocked in Meet the Parents. Brian Regan does a funny bit about it. Everyone I know complains about it. So who the hell are these zombies? Why are you in line? They should have to go to the very back of the line and board after everyone who followed instructions has boarded, found their seats, stowed their carry-ons and bought one thing from SkyMall®.
1. People who recline their seats all the way back when someone -- me -- is sitting behind them. Admit it, you do this one, don't you? Isn't this the ultimate selfish act? "I know your knees are already pressed into your chest because the rows are only three inches apart, but I can't be expected to sit all upright during this flight from Chicago to Indianapolis! So I'm just going to lie back directly into your lap, completely impeding your ability to do such worthless things as read, use your laptop computer, or retain blood flow to your feet." Then the icing on the cake is when I try to shift my weight just a tad and bump the back of your seat, and you act like I'm rudely disrupting your comfort. Just so you know, when you die, it will be from strangulation.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
13 Of My Favorite Inventions
13. DVDs & DVD Players. I'm a movie nut, and to be able to watch movies in a high-quality format with premium sound, extra features, etc., is kick ass. Plus, so many classic, independent and foreign films are now released on DVD, I'm able to see movies I never would have seen in the past.
12. Cruise control. Big fan. If I'm on a stretch of open road, I turn on the cruise.
11. Digital cameras. Yes, I still have a good 35mm film camera that I use for shooting artsy fartsy black and white photos, but I recently purchased a Pentax digital SLR and I'm thrilled with it. Takes great photos, and I can see instantly if I got the shot I wanted or not. Plus, I have two 1-gig memory cards, which will hold about 325 high-quality jpegs each. I can post them to the Interweblogosphere, or I can send them out and have prints made. Love it!
10. Sliced bread. If it weren't for sliced bread, we'd have nothing to compare cool things to.
9. Suitcases with wheels and retractable handles. My only question, how come it took so freaking long to actually invent these? Why didn't the very first suitcase have these?
8. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
7. Flip flops (formerly known as thongs). Nothing better for being a bum in the summertime.
6. Laser eye correction surgery. I had it done five years ago. It worked brilliantly. I can now see through walls.
5. The debit card. I love not having to carry cash, or at least not carrying much.
4. Mr. Microphone. Hey good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!
3. The Baby Bjorn. Moms (and some dads) know what I'm talking 'bout.
2. Zyrtec D allergy medication. I'd be a sneezing, watery-eyed fool without it.
1. The Interweblogosphere. How would I have met all you crazy cats otherwise?
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12. Cruise control. Big fan. If I'm on a stretch of open road, I turn on the cruise.
11. Digital cameras. Yes, I still have a good 35mm film camera that I use for shooting artsy fartsy black and white photos, but I recently purchased a Pentax digital SLR and I'm thrilled with it. Takes great photos, and I can see instantly if I got the shot I wanted or not. Plus, I have two 1-gig memory cards, which will hold about 325 high-quality jpegs each. I can post them to the Interweblogosphere, or I can send them out and have prints made. Love it!
10. Sliced bread. If it weren't for sliced bread, we'd have nothing to compare cool things to.
9. Suitcases with wheels and retractable handles. My only question, how come it took so freaking long to actually invent these? Why didn't the very first suitcase have these?
8. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
7. Flip flops (formerly known as thongs). Nothing better for being a bum in the summertime.
6. Laser eye correction surgery. I had it done five years ago. It worked brilliantly. I can now see through walls.
5. The debit card. I love not having to carry cash, or at least not carrying much.
4. Mr. Microphone. Hey good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!
3. The Baby Bjorn. Moms (and some dads) know what I'm talking 'bout.
2. Zyrtec D allergy medication. I'd be a sneezing, watery-eyed fool without it.
1. The Interweblogosphere. How would I have met all you crazy cats otherwise?
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
13 Things that Make Me Happy
Lots of bad shit's going on in the world right now, and there's lots and lots to be pissed about (Paula's listed 13 of them today). So I'm dropping some happiness on yo asses.
13. Coffee in the Morning. I love my coffee. Make it strong and give it to me black. I either want really good coffee (like the beans I buy from a few of our local coffee roasters and no, Starbucks does not serve really good coffee), or true diner coffee. I could sit and drink diner coffee all day long.
12. Flo-like Diner Waitresses with Big Hair and Smoker's Voices Who Call me Honey When Serving Me Diner Coffee. There's a diner in Denver called Breakfast King. Lots of truckers there, which is a true sign of a good diner. Every waitress in that place calls me honey or sweetie, and that reminds me of my aunts, which makes me happy.
11. My Aunts. My whole family, actually. I have a hugely gigantic family, mostly in Michigan, and I love the hell out of every single one of them. Growing up knowing my 4th and even 5th cousins was an awesome thing. We'll be taking Sam back to Michigan for the first time this October, and he's going to be able to me both of my grandfathers -- his great-grandfathers -- as well as his step-grandma, two aunts, two (possibly three) great uncles, two (possibly three) great aunts, and a whole slew of cousins. (and also spend lots of time with Grandma PJ, who's coming out to visit in September, yay!)
10. A Saturday with Nothing to Do. Having a full day to just chill out, read, hang with the family, without having to do anything, is pure bliss.
9. Pizza. 'Nuff said.
8. Intelligent and Entertaining Movies Appropriate for Children. I swear, 90 percent of family movies are such crap. But that 10 percent is such a joy. Disney movies once fell into this category, but they've become horribly cliched and predictable over the years (hopefully that will change with the new regime in charge). Pixar, however, has it right. The Incredibles, Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, (haven't seen Cars yet), they're all true family movies that everyone can enjoy. What's more impressive is that they don't have to resort to adult-oriented jokes that go over the kids' heads to keep adults entertained (think Shrek); they just tell good stories that adults and kids both appreciate.
7. Intelligent and Entertaining Movies Not Appropriate for Children. Recently Julie and I watched Junebug, The Three Buriels of Melquiades Estrada and Capote. I was grateful to have seen each of them. Great performances, great stories, great direction, great scripts.
6. Making People Laugh. Comedy is king, and I will try to make people laugh by any means necessary. I perform improv. I do stand-up. I do sketch comedy. I write comedy. And making people laugh during simple interpersonal communication, that's the bomb. Especially dropping some humor when it's not expected. And I love making kids laugh, because a child's laugh is always genuine and never patronizing. They're too young and honest to worry about your feelings -- if it's not funny, they won't laugh. If they laugh, it's funny. Simple as that.
5. People Making Me Laugh. Because I work in various forms of comedy on a professional level, I'm pretty jaded when it comes to organized comedy, like stand-up or sketch comedy (remember when Saturday Night Live was funny?) or improv. So when someone makes me laugh, no matter who or when, I treasure it. (why do you think I'm such a fan of all of you?!)
4. Cranking my Stereo and Singing Along at the Top of my Voice While Driving. I don't care who sees me or who hears me, when I'm in the groove, baby, ain't no stopping me. Sometimes it's Johnny Cash. Sometimes it's Audioslave. Sometimes it's Frank Sinatra. Sometimes it's Van Halen. Sometimes it's Patsy Cline. Sometimes it's Rage Against the Machine. Whatever it is, I'm all about commitment.
3. Playing Hockey. Our team typically has games on Tuesday nights, and during the day I get so antsy to get my gear on and get on the ice. It's absolutely invigorating.
2. Scoring a Goal in Hockey. I grew up a basketball player, where you score a lot. I've had 30+ point games before. But scoring a goal? There's nothing like it, because of the amount of effort, strategy, skill and luck it takes just to get that puck in the net. A few weeks ago our game ended in a one-one tie. I scored the tying goal with only a few minutes left in the game, and it felt like I'd saved the world.
1. Hanging With My Family. I'm the luckiest mofo on the face of the earth. I have one incomparable wife, two awesomely awesome step-daughters, and a three-month-old boy whom I can hardly stand to be away from. Life is good, my brothers and sisters.
Life is good.
Be happy today!
Peace.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
13. Coffee in the Morning. I love my coffee. Make it strong and give it to me black. I either want really good coffee (like the beans I buy from a few of our local coffee roasters and no, Starbucks does not serve really good coffee), or true diner coffee. I could sit and drink diner coffee all day long.
12. Flo-like Diner Waitresses with Big Hair and Smoker's Voices Who Call me Honey When Serving Me Diner Coffee. There's a diner in Denver called Breakfast King. Lots of truckers there, which is a true sign of a good diner. Every waitress in that place calls me honey or sweetie, and that reminds me of my aunts, which makes me happy.
11. My Aunts. My whole family, actually. I have a hugely gigantic family, mostly in Michigan, and I love the hell out of every single one of them. Growing up knowing my 4th and even 5th cousins was an awesome thing. We'll be taking Sam back to Michigan for the first time this October, and he's going to be able to me both of my grandfathers -- his great-grandfathers -- as well as his step-grandma, two aunts, two (possibly three) great uncles, two (possibly three) great aunts, and a whole slew of cousins. (and also spend lots of time with Grandma PJ, who's coming out to visit in September, yay!)
10. A Saturday with Nothing to Do. Having a full day to just chill out, read, hang with the family, without having to do anything, is pure bliss.
9. Pizza. 'Nuff said.
8. Intelligent and Entertaining Movies Appropriate for Children. I swear, 90 percent of family movies are such crap. But that 10 percent is such a joy. Disney movies once fell into this category, but they've become horribly cliched and predictable over the years (hopefully that will change with the new regime in charge). Pixar, however, has it right. The Incredibles, Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, (haven't seen Cars yet), they're all true family movies that everyone can enjoy. What's more impressive is that they don't have to resort to adult-oriented jokes that go over the kids' heads to keep adults entertained (think Shrek); they just tell good stories that adults and kids both appreciate.
7. Intelligent and Entertaining Movies Not Appropriate for Children. Recently Julie and I watched Junebug, The Three Buriels of Melquiades Estrada and Capote. I was grateful to have seen each of them. Great performances, great stories, great direction, great scripts.
6. Making People Laugh. Comedy is king, and I will try to make people laugh by any means necessary. I perform improv. I do stand-up. I do sketch comedy. I write comedy. And making people laugh during simple interpersonal communication, that's the bomb. Especially dropping some humor when it's not expected. And I love making kids laugh, because a child's laugh is always genuine and never patronizing. They're too young and honest to worry about your feelings -- if it's not funny, they won't laugh. If they laugh, it's funny. Simple as that.
5. People Making Me Laugh. Because I work in various forms of comedy on a professional level, I'm pretty jaded when it comes to organized comedy, like stand-up or sketch comedy (remember when Saturday Night Live was funny?) or improv. So when someone makes me laugh, no matter who or when, I treasure it. (why do you think I'm such a fan of all of you?!)
4. Cranking my Stereo and Singing Along at the Top of my Voice While Driving. I don't care who sees me or who hears me, when I'm in the groove, baby, ain't no stopping me. Sometimes it's Johnny Cash. Sometimes it's Audioslave. Sometimes it's Frank Sinatra. Sometimes it's Van Halen. Sometimes it's Patsy Cline. Sometimes it's Rage Against the Machine. Whatever it is, I'm all about commitment.
3. Playing Hockey. Our team typically has games on Tuesday nights, and during the day I get so antsy to get my gear on and get on the ice. It's absolutely invigorating.
2. Scoring a Goal in Hockey. I grew up a basketball player, where you score a lot. I've had 30+ point games before. But scoring a goal? There's nothing like it, because of the amount of effort, strategy, skill and luck it takes just to get that puck in the net. A few weeks ago our game ended in a one-one tie. I scored the tying goal with only a few minutes left in the game, and it felt like I'd saved the world.
1. Hanging With My Family. I'm the luckiest mofo on the face of the earth. I have one incomparable wife, two awesomely awesome step-daughters, and a three-month-old boy whom I can hardly stand to be away from. Life is good, my brothers and sisters.
Life is good.
Be happy today!
Peace.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
13 Favorite Sitcoms
13. Sports NightThis show was short-lived, as many intelligently written shows often are, but man, was it good. It walked the line between comedy and drama extremely well, and the producers had the audacity to air the show without a laugh track. I think that was its ultimate downfall -- people need to be told when to laugh. It also featured the talented Peter Krause before he went on to the slightly more successful Six Feet Under. Also featured Robert Guillaume, who was a star in another sitcom on my list, Soap. Guillaume actually had a stroke during shooting for what I think was the 2nd season, and they wrote it into the script. It was brilliant.
12. Barney Miller
I grew up watching Captain Barney Miller, Det. Stan Wojciehowicz (Wojo), Det. Ron Harris, Det. Sgt. Phil Fish and Det. Nick Yemana. It was one of my grandma's favorite shows, so I loved watching it with her. One of the things that sticks out most in my mind about the show is the theme song, that way-cool bass line (a variation of which reappeard as the theme song to Seinfeld. I was pleasantly surprised recently to see Ron Glass (Det. Harris) resurface on the SciFi channel series Firefly as the preacher. Didn't Fish have a short-lived spin-off? Good old Abe Vigoda. Now that was a character.
11. Friends
Yes, it got pretty cheesy and predictable and definitely overstayed its welcome, but Friends had some really great years. What was most impressive to me was that a show with six main characters succeeded without one main "star." When ensemble-cast sitcoms succeed, they typically have a main character with a handful of great supporting characters. Not so with Friends. All six of them were equally as important to the show, and their interactions and chemistry made for some great moments. Friends also had some great guest appearances by the likes of Brad Pitt, Giovanni Ribisi, Tom Selleck, Elliott Gould, Elle MacPherson, Jon Favreau and Maggie Wheeler.
10. Soap
Talk about a ballsy show. Soap was a twisted and hilarious of daytime soap operas that, during its run from 1977 to 1981, pushed the boundaries of "accepted" television themes like no other show before it. Homosexuality, interracial marriage, gay parenting, infidelity... they were all tackled on the show. It starred Doris Roberts (who later went on to be recognized numerous times for her role as Ray's mother on Everybody Loves Raymond), a young Billy Crystal, Robert Guillaume, Robert Urich (though he was killed off in the first season, and a host of other talented actors. The characters and plots were outlandish: Guillaume's Benson the butler, who would just sit there when the doorbell rang and say, "You want me to get that?"; Corinne (Diana Canova) and Father Tim Flotsky (Sal Viscuso) having a child that was posessed by the devil; Mary's (Cathryn Damon) stepson Chuck (Jay Johnson) whose alter ego was his ventriloquist's dummy Bob; Burt (Richard Mulligan) being abducted by aliens and replaced with an alien lookalike... In a lot of ways I think Soap was the biggest precurser to Arrested Development, which is next on my list.
9. Arrested Development
Like Sports Night, another show that didn't get the viewership it deserved, and therefore didn't have the longevity it should have (though I hear rumors Showtime might pick it up). Arrested Development, or AD as those of us conscious few call it, was sick, twisted and wrong. I swear to God, Jeffrey Tambor makes me laugh the minute his face appears on screen. He's such a gifted comedic actor, because everything he does is subtle, never ever overstated or overt. And who would have thought that Jason Bateman would make a comeback... and be good! David Cross is perfect as the quirky Tobias Fünke, Jessica Walter is hilarious as Lucille Bluth, and Will Arnett as George "Gob" Bluth II, the struggling magician (he calls it an Illusionist), is fantastic. The show is narrated by Ron Howard, which adds to the surrealness of it all. Oh, and don't forget Scott Baio as Bob Loblaw (pronounced Bah Blah Blah). My favorite moment: When Tobias invents a new profession for himself, a combination analyst and therapist. He calls it an analrapist. They flash his business card for about 1/2 second. Brilliant.
8. The Honeymooners
Obviously the original was well before my time, but thanks to the magic of reruns I was able to watch Ralph, Ed, Alice and Trixie on a weekly basis growing up. The Honeymooners, like I Love Lucy, was comedy of a different era, the golden age of TV. It was Vaudevillian stage comedy, just with some cameras around taking moving pictures. While certainly Jackie Gleason went on to have arguably the most notable career, Art Carney's physical humor was unmatched. The Honeymooners was originally part of the hour-long variety show, The Jackie Gleason Show. It wasn't until 1955 when The Honeymooners became a half-hour sitcom on its own, giving us the "Classic 39." For the bulk of the run, Audrey Meadows played Alice and Joyce Randolph played Trixie. It truly is one of the greats of all time.
7. Cheers
The place where everybody knows your name. This show gave us so many memorable characters and so many memorable lines. One of the most impressive things about Cheers to me was that it was force to replace to crucial characters -- Diane and Coach -- and did so about as perfectly as they could have with Rebecca and Woody. Just like Seinfeld, when I think of Cheers I'm bombarded with vivid memories of specific moments: Norm walks in, everyone yells, "Norm!" Sam asks Norm what's up, and Norm comes back with a line like, "It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear;" Cliff's "It's a little known fact that..." preceding some outlandish claim; Coach in the early episodes, and Woody in the later, saying the most outlandish and asinine things and you loving the hell out of them for it; Rebecca trying to quit chain smoking and ending up getting the smoking therapist to smoke with her; okay, I gotta stop or I'll go on forever. And Cheers also can boast that it actually had a spinoff that was wildly successful and deservedly so, Frasier.
6. Frasier
There have been so many attempts to spin sitcoms off of successful sitcoms, and the success rate is damn near nil. But Frasier is the complete exception to that rule. To this day I am truly astounded at the success of this show, because it was sophisticated, witty and intelligent -- not the typical marks of a successful sitcom. It must have been so much fun to write for this show. One of the main reasons for its success, other than great writing and great acting, was that they took the character of Frasier Crane completely out of the Cheers element and gave him his own identity. John Mahoney as his gruff, retired cop of a dad was such a fantastic contrast to Kelsey Grammer's Frasier and David Hyde Pierce's Niles, and the supporting characters of Roz, Daphne and Bulldog were so well-rounded that I never felt like anything or anyone was missing. Frasier was truly unique, and I loved it.
5. Curb Your Enthusiasm
I know a lot of people who don't like this show, but I think it's the funniest thing on TV today. The fact that all the dialogue is improvised is all the more impressive. Larry David, one of the creators and head writers of Seinfeld, is the "real life" version of Seinfeld's George. Of course, it's "real life" in a fake sort of way. Curb is shot as if you're a voyeur along for the ride, watching Larry get himself into one predicament after another, putting his foot in his mouth constantly. The supporting cast of Jeff Garlin, Cheryl Hines, Richard Lewis, Wanda Sykes and Susie Essman as Jeff's foul-mouthed wife all do their parts in making Larry's life a living hell. Some of the stuff on this show is so over the line -- which it can be because it's on HBO -- and I love ever second of it, even if I'm not a Jew.
4. M*A*S*H
While M*A*S*H was a hilarious comedy, the most vivid memory I have of this show had no humor whatsoever: When Colonel Blake's plane was shot down as he was leaving for home. It was 1975, I think. I was six years old. And I remember watching that episode and being upset. If I remember correctly, a shitload of people were upset, so much so that the producers made a public statement saying they'd never kill off another major character in such a fashion. Anyway, this is about comedy, right? Well M*A*S*H is one of those shows I still find funny when I catch it in syndication. Based on Robert Altman's movie of the same name (which starred Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Tom Skerritt and Robert Duvall, as well as Gary Burghoff, the only cast member from the movie to be in the series), M*A*S*H managed to remain funny throughout its entire 11-year run. I'm partial, however, to the early years with Hawkeye, Burns, Hot Lips, Blake, Trapper, Klinger and Radar. Winchester, B.J. and Col. Potter were all admirable replacements, but they never quite had the magic that the original sitcom cast had.
3. All in the Family
Other than maybe Soap, I don't know if you're going to find a more un-politically correct sitcom in the history of TV. Archie Bunker's struggles as a working class father/ husband/ father-in-law/ drinking buddy, and his predjudices and fears, pulled no punches from week to week. All in the Family did such a good job of portraying what Americans were feeling at the time about each other -- be they working class like Archie or one of the many minorities he struggled to understand. It poked fun at bigotry, homophobia, classism and racism in a way that made you feel like it was normal to have these fears, yet made you want to rid yourself of them. Like so many other great sitcoms, Archie was surrounded by a superb supporting cast: Rob Reiner as Meathead, Sally Struthers as Gloria and the brilliant Jean Stapleton as Edith, aka Dingbat. All in the Family also launched one of the few successful spinoffs from the Bunker's neighbors, The Jeffersons.
2. I Love Lucy
In the male-dominated world of television comedy, Lucille Ball battled her way to the top as not just the funniest woman, but the funniest entertainer of her time. Just like so many great male comic TV actors couldn't have been as successful without great supporting female cast members, Lucy had Ricky Ricardo, the perfect straight man for her brand of physical, flighty comedy. Lucy, Ricky, George and Ethel made people laugh until they cried every episode, because you just couldn't believe someone could get herself into the predicaments Lucy could. Obviously this is another show I watched in syndication, but even today, 55 years after the first episode, it's still as funny as ever.
1. Seinfeld
The show about nothing. While all the other shows listed above are by no means in any particular order, Seinfeld is truly my favorite sitcom of all time. To create a TV show based on someone's stand-up routine is not unique; to make it actually good is incredibly unique. Jerry Seinfeld -- not an actor in the least -- surrounded himself with three of the most memorable characters in TV history: Elaine, George and Kramer. You say "Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer" to anyone over the age of 15 and they'll not only know who you're talking about, they'll talk to you about a specific episode or a specific line or a specific guest character. "No soup for you!" "Newman!" "Master of your domain." "I'm Keith Hernandez." "Puddy." "John F. Kennedy June-yah." "You can see my nipple!" "Two cups in front, two loops in back." My wife lived in Tokyo during most of the 90s, so she completely missed the Seinfeld phenomenon. I've bought the DVD sets and have been catching her up. They still kill me.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
13 Movie Lines
Been a while since I did a Thursday Thirteen, but Paula had a cool one last week with song lyrics that I've decided to rip off, albeit using movie lines instead.
See if you can be the first to guess in what movies each of these lines FIRST APPEARED. Oh, and no cheating! No Googling, no calling a friend... the knowledge must reside in your noggin. Bonus point if you know who said the line, too.
NOTE: Jen's on the ball! She got six already. I'll put which ones she got right, but I'll wait to post the correct answers. NOTE II: Paula got one 'cause she's OTD. Jenna hit two impressive ones. If I could get a Jenny and a Jennifer to respond, that would be cool. NOTE III: O'Tim filled in the blanks quite nicely. And the answers are...
13. "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!"
JENNA - Treasure of the Sierra Madre (this was impressive -- 99% of people who think they know this say Blazing Saddles). Who said it? A Mexican Bandito!
12. "I coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am."
JEN - Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront (my favorite movie of all time, BTW)
11. "There are those who call me... Tim?"
JEN - Tim the Enchanter (John Cleese) in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, though O'Tim did point out that the actual line is, "To some I am known as... Tim." Though it really should be a question mark, because it is most definitely a question in the movie!
10. "Nuclear combat. Toe to toe with the Rooskies!"
O'TIM - Dr. Stranglove, though his guess was wrong as to who said it; it was Slim Pickins as Major "King" Kong.
9. "When you have to shoot, shoot…don't talk."
O'TIM - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly, and while he didn't know that actor's name (Eli Wallich) he correctly guessed 'twas The Ugly that said it. O'Tim gained major points from me for knowing this one, as it's one of my fav's as well.
8. "You're gonna need a bigger boat."
JEN - Roy Scheider in Jaws. This was a lobbed softball for Jen.
7. "I just want to say one word to you - just one word.... 'plastics.'"
PAULA! - The Graduate, spoken by Mr. McGuire (Walter Brooke)
6. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
O'TIM - Peter Finch as Howard Beal in Network
5. "I want my two dollars!"
JEN - The paperboy in Better Off Dead
4. "They call me Mister Tibbs."
JENNA - Sidney Poitier as Detective Virgil Tibbs in In the Heat of the Night
3. "Here's looking at you, kid."
JEN - Casablanca. Bogart. 'Nuff said.
2. "Your mother's in here with us, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it."
O'TIM - The devil-posessed Reagan in The Exorcist which, I might add, might not be scary today but freaked out the entire country in 1973.
1. "'When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
JEN - Bill Murray in Caddyshack, one of the most-quoted comedies of all-time (behind Holy Grail, of course).
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See if you can be the first to guess in what movies each of these lines FIRST APPEARED. Oh, and no cheating! No Googling, no calling a friend... the knowledge must reside in your noggin. Bonus point if you know who said the line, too.
NOTE: Jen's on the ball! She got six already. I'll put which ones she got right, but I'll wait to post the correct answers. NOTE II: Paula got one 'cause she's OTD. Jenna hit two impressive ones. If I could get a Jenny and a Jennifer to respond, that would be cool. NOTE III: O'Tim filled in the blanks quite nicely. And the answers are...
13. "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!"
JENNA - Treasure of the Sierra Madre (this was impressive -- 99% of people who think they know this say Blazing Saddles). Who said it? A Mexican Bandito!
12. "I coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am."
JEN - Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront (my favorite movie of all time, BTW)
11. "There are those who call me... Tim?"
JEN - Tim the Enchanter (John Cleese) in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, though O'Tim did point out that the actual line is, "To some I am known as... Tim." Though it really should be a question mark, because it is most definitely a question in the movie!
10. "Nuclear combat. Toe to toe with the Rooskies!"
O'TIM - Dr. Stranglove, though his guess was wrong as to who said it; it was Slim Pickins as Major "King" Kong.
9. "When you have to shoot, shoot…don't talk."
O'TIM - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly, and while he didn't know that actor's name (Eli Wallich) he correctly guessed 'twas The Ugly that said it. O'Tim gained major points from me for knowing this one, as it's one of my fav's as well.
8. "You're gonna need a bigger boat."
JEN - Roy Scheider in Jaws. This was a lobbed softball for Jen.
7. "I just want to say one word to you - just one word.... 'plastics.'"
PAULA! - The Graduate, spoken by Mr. McGuire (Walter Brooke)
6. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
O'TIM - Peter Finch as Howard Beal in Network
5. "I want my two dollars!"
JEN - The paperboy in Better Off Dead
4. "They call me Mister Tibbs."
JENNA - Sidney Poitier as Detective Virgil Tibbs in In the Heat of the Night
3. "Here's looking at you, kid."
JEN - Casablanca. Bogart. 'Nuff said.
2. "Your mother's in here with us, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it."
O'TIM - The devil-posessed Reagan in The Exorcist which, I might add, might not be scary today but freaked out the entire country in 1973.
1. "'When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
JEN - Bill Murray in Caddyshack, one of the most-quoted comedies of all-time (behind Holy Grail, of course).
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Sam I Am
Hey. What's up? I'm Sam. Sam I am. I was born at 9:13 a.m. Wednesday, May 3, 2006. I weighed 7 pounds, 10 ounces and I was 20 inches long. And I got a big old head; it measured 14 inches around. Need all that space for my big brain. I'm doing great, my mommy's doing great, my daddy's doing great, and my sisters are doing great. And just so you know, I kick ass.Thirteen Things I Can't Wait to Do
13. See my new room.
12. Meet our dog, Oscar.
11. Learn how to smile.
10. Learn how to laugh.
9. Listen to the song my daddy wrote for me.
8. Wear my cool new clothes.
7. Ride in a car.
6. See what the outdoors looks like.
5. Meet my aunts, uncles and cousins.
4. Meet my Great Grandpas.
3. Meet my Grandma (aka Gammy) PJ and my Grandpa Don & Granny Pat.
2. Spit up on my daddy just before he leaves for work.
1. Wake up my mommy and daddy over and over and over and over and over.
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Thursday, April 13, 2006
13 Excuses for Not Posting Anything for a Week
13. Dick Cheney shot me.
12. I am really an illegal alien and Dick Cheney shot my translator.
11. I swallowed a fly. I don't know why. Perhaps I'll die.
10. I've been taunting the people in my office who gave up coffee and chocolate for Lent by drinking coffee and eating chocolate in front of them.
9. I've been throwing up from all the coffee and chocolate I've been consuming.
8. I have a freaking day job! Hello!
7. I've been working on two screenplays, some comedy sketches for an upcoming show in Dallas, a stand-up routine I'll be performing next Saturday night, and a short story.
6. I've been doing spring yard work. A shitload of spring yard work. Scooping dog crap, picking up branches, raking leaves, mowing, edging, weed wacking, setting up sprinklers, weeding around the perennials, and scooping dog crap.
5. I've been reading all y'all's blogs!
4. I've become addicted to Google Maps.
3. I received some hefty royalty checks from a national Dish Network TV spot I was in and did the voiceover for (it's for Dish HD -- four guys watching a high def show with a parrot), so I bought a new guitar and amp and have been playing the shit out of it.
2. I've been moving stuff around, going through stuff, having people give us stuff and buying more stuff because my wife will be going into labor very soon.
1. I've been hyperventilating because my wife will be going into labor very soon.
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12. I am really an illegal alien and Dick Cheney shot my translator.
11. I swallowed a fly. I don't know why. Perhaps I'll die.
10. I've been taunting the people in my office who gave up coffee and chocolate for Lent by drinking coffee and eating chocolate in front of them.
9. I've been throwing up from all the coffee and chocolate I've been consuming.
8. I have a freaking day job! Hello!
7. I've been working on two screenplays, some comedy sketches for an upcoming show in Dallas, a stand-up routine I'll be performing next Saturday night, and a short story.
6. I've been doing spring yard work. A shitload of spring yard work. Scooping dog crap, picking up branches, raking leaves, mowing, edging, weed wacking, setting up sprinklers, weeding around the perennials, and scooping dog crap.
5. I've been reading all y'all's blogs!
4. I've become addicted to Google Maps.
3. I received some hefty royalty checks from a national Dish Network TV spot I was in and did the voiceover for (it's for Dish HD -- four guys watching a high def show with a parrot), so I bought a new guitar and amp and have been playing the shit out of it.
2. I've been moving stuff around, going through stuff, having people give us stuff and buying more stuff because my wife will be going into labor very soon.
1. I've been hyperventilating because my wife will be going into labor very soon.
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
13 Favorite Comedy Teams
I've been a "student of comedy" for as long as I can remember. I watch it to laugh and be entertained, but also to learn. Through the years I've been most influenced by comedy teams: ensembles of people who, together, have created some of the most memorable comedic moments of the modern age. The irony is, pretty much all of these were doing their thing either before I was born, or when I was very young. The comedy team doesn't really exist anymore. Sure, there are ensembles like Second City, SNL, the Groundlings and the like. But those are institutions with revolving doors of talent, not true comedy teams. If someone breaks out (a la Will Ferrall) it's as an individual star. Anyway, I guess this is more of a nostalgic ode to great comedy teams. Here's my list:
13.Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau
12.Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers
11.The Little Rascals (Our Gang)
10.The Three Stooges
9. Bob Hope & Bing Crosby
8. The Smothers Brothers
7. Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis
6. George Burns & Gracie Allen
5. The Kids in the Hall
4. Abbott & Costello
3. Carol Burnett/Vicki Lawrence/Harvey Korman/Tim Conway
2. Monty Python
1. The Marx Brothers
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13.Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau
12.Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers
11.The Little Rascals (Our Gang)
10.The Three Stooges
9. Bob Hope & Bing Crosby
8. The Smothers Brothers
7. Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis
6. George Burns & Gracie Allen
5. The Kids in the Hall
4. Abbott & Costello
3. Carol Burnett/Vicki Lawrence/Harvey Korman/Tim Conway
2. Monty Python
1. The Marx Brothers
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Thursday, March 30, 2006
13 Things People Frequently Say or Write that Annoy the Crap out of Me
13. Pronouncing "mischievous" as miss-chee-vee-us.
12. Using "impact" as a verb.
11. Football sportscasters who use defense as a verb: "They defensed that play real good."
10. Saying "I could care less" when you mean "I couldn't care less."
9. You get advance notice, not advanced notice.
8. Using apostrophes to denote a plural: "All dog's must be on a leash." (that's an actual example I saw the other day, and I won't even get into the fact that it's saying all dogs should be sharing one leash between them)
7. Athletes and sportscasters who use the word "adversity." It's not so much a misuse, but it's like someone sent out an email saying, if you want to sound intelligent, talk about overcoming adversity.
6. April Wine was correct: It's "Just between you and me," not "Just between you and I." (how's that for a music flashback?)
5. A bimonthly meeting occurs every two months. A semimonthly meeting occurs twice a month. Same with biweekly/semiweekly. This is incredibly nitpicky, and I don't care.
4. Saying "overexaggerate" instead of "exaggerate."
3. Saying "orientated" instead of "oriented."
2. Pronouncing "escape" as "ex-scape."
1. Irregardless!
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12. Using "impact" as a verb.
11. Football sportscasters who use defense as a verb: "They defensed that play real good."
10. Saying "I could care less" when you mean "I couldn't care less."
9. You get advance notice, not advanced notice.
8. Using apostrophes to denote a plural: "All dog's must be on a leash." (that's an actual example I saw the other day, and I won't even get into the fact that it's saying all dogs should be sharing one leash between them)
7. Athletes and sportscasters who use the word "adversity." It's not so much a misuse, but it's like someone sent out an email saying, if you want to sound intelligent, talk about overcoming adversity.
6. April Wine was correct: It's "Just between you and me," not "Just between you and I." (how's that for a music flashback?)
5. A bimonthly meeting occurs every two months. A semimonthly meeting occurs twice a month. Same with biweekly/semiweekly. This is incredibly nitpicky, and I don't care.
4. Saying "overexaggerate" instead of "exaggerate."
3. Saying "orientated" instead of "oriented."
2. Pronouncing "escape" as "ex-scape."
1. Irregardless!
READ HALOSCAN COMMENTS.
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