13 of My Super Powers

Here are 13 reasons I could be on Heroes:

13. The Power of Throwing Accurately. I can throw something from one side of the room and have it land right where I want it to, such as in a trash can or on a pile of laundry. I am particularly adept at banking, and at throwing objects that curve in flight.

12. The Power of Finding the Telephone. My wife and kids never replace the cordless phone on its base when they're done speaking; they just set it down when they hang up. I can always find the phone, even when it's in the hamper.

11. The Power to Tune my Guitar Without Artificial Aid. I have perfect pitch for the low E.

10. The Power of Quoting 80s Comedy Movie Lines, Especially Fletch, Caddyshack and Stripes. It's all ball bearings these days.

9. The Power of Cereal Knowledge. I know exactly which type of cereal should be eaten in any circumstance, any time of day.

8. The Power to Not Hit the Snooze Button. I am able to get out of bed within five seconds of the alarm going off.

7. The Power to Keep a Safe Distance Between Me and the Car in Front of Me. No matter what the traffic situation or speed, I am able to innately calculate a safe distance between my car and the car in front of me that, were the car in front of me to stop suddently, would give me three seconds to stop.

6. The Power to Touch a Hot Iron Without Getting Burned. I have some sort of alien substance in my saliva that enables me to lick my finger, touch an iron, and not burn myself.

5. The Power to Not Finish Sentences. When speaking out loud, I can make you understand my point before I've finished the sentence, and when that moment occur, I immediately begin the next sentence, which most likely will not be finished either.

4. The Power to Run on Ice. If I am running along a sidewalk, and suddenly find myself running on ice, I am able to continue running without slipping and falling down.

3. The Power to Be Condescending With Only My Eyebrows. I need not utter a word.

2. The Power to Move My Eyes Independently. I can cross one eye, move it back, cross the other, and have one crossed while I move the other back and forth.

1. The Power to Park Close. I have the uncanny ability to always get a parking spot, and always get it close to my ultimate destination.

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