A bunch of good stuff thrown in a big pot.
Gee, you should work at my place. Unfortunately, some of our fun simply doesn't translate well. See, in Norwegian, "six" and "sex" sound alike.Have a nice weekend!
Apparently this is the funniest joke in the World according to CNN : Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Pull my finger.
I can't top Lucy's. Sorry, but that was some funny shit right there.
Apologies in advance, but this is still my favourite joke 'genre':Q. What has three legs and used to live on a farm?A. Paul and Heather McCartney.-A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he'll ever go down on one knee again.-Paul replies 'I'd prefer it if you called her Heather.'"
Two peanuts were walking down a road. One was assaulted.bah-boom!
So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, why the long face?
No more rhyming, I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
Hey Jeff-Here's a great site for when you need a laugh.http://www.misscellania.com/
So a horse and a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
Why do lawyers wear tight ties? So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face. What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street? There are skid marks in front of the dog.More here. Oh so many more...
A little boy was bored in church, so he started looking for ways to amuse himself. His mother kept trying to get him to be quiet and sit still, but his antics just got worse.Finally, the last straw - he threw a spitball at the preacher and got him right in the nose!Mom grabbed the kid and began to bodily haul him out of the sanctuary. He looks out at the congregation and says, "Y'all pray for me now, 'kay?"Brought to you courtesy of my father, who told it to me this morning after I had to carry Lloyd out of the Honor's Day program, with him hollering, "No! No! I'll be good!" at the top of his lungs.
Okay, stop me if you've heard this one:Pastor Joe has had a long, soggy winter. He hasn't played a round of golf in months.Then one pretty spring Sunday morning, the sun is out and the birds are singing and he just can't believe what a perfect day it is.He stews for a moment, unsure what to do, then finally decides the day is too perfect to pass up.He grabs his clubs from the closet and calls the Associate Pastor. "Look," he says, "can you cover for me this morning, pull a message together? I'm just not up to it today. Just let the congregation know I'll be back next Sunday."The Associate Pastor said he'd handle things, and off Pastor Joe went.He decided to drive to a golf course an hour out of town, just in case. He didn't want to fool anyone, and he didn't lie, he just wanted a quiet morning to himself.He gets to the golf course and it is deserted, beautiful, freshly cut and ready for action.He begins his round and gets to the third hole, a par 3. He's feeling pretty good, takes a practice swing, then pretty as you please knocks a straight, looping shot onto the green that takes two bounces and rolls neatly into the hole! A hole in one!Meanwhile, up in heaven, St. Peter is incredulous. He turns to God and says, "What? He just dashed out on his congregation, shirked his responsibility, and went off to indulge himself playing a game when he should be doing your work, and you let him get a HOLE IN ONE????"God just winks at St. Peter and says, "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week, folks.
Hillbilly walks into a bar and sees a really pretty girl, so he saunters over and says "Howdy! How'd you like to come over to my place so I can show you a real good time?" The girl looks at him and says, "I'm not too sure, where are you from anyway?" and he replies, "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills." She shakes her head. "No way, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky. You'll screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..." The guy looks at her, horrified, and says "CHICKENS???"
A cajun joke: Clotile is DeafOne day Boudreaux went to the doctor to get a check up. Boudreaux says to the doctor, "Mais you know something doc ... my wife Clotile, she's having trouble wit her hearing."De doc say, "Well Boudreaux, how bad is it?""Mais doc I don't know how bad it really is but she don't seem to hear me at all. Whats de best way to find out how bad her hearing is?"De doc say, "Boudreaux, when you get home stand about 20 feet behind Clotile and say something in your regular voice. If Clotile don't respond then move up 10 feet and try again. If you don't get any response again move up 5 feet and try, then if you don't get any response move right up behind her and try."When Boudreax got home, Clotile was wash dem dish in de sink so he get about 20 feet back and say, "Clotile what we havin for dinner?"Mais there was no response, so he move up 10 feet and say dat again. Still no response so he move up 5 feet and try. Nothing..."Hunh, it worse dan I tought," Boudreaux say to himself.He move right up behind Clotile now and ax her one mo time, "Clotile, what we havin for dinner?"Clotile turned, looked at him and said, "for the fourth time, I said we havin' chicken and rice!".
An accomplished pianist goes to audition for a popular lounge. He plays a complex and beautiful tune for the manager. "Wow. What's the name of that one?" the manager asks."It's called 'Hang Me Till My Head Rots The Rope'," the pianist replied."Oh," said the incredulous manager. He listens to a number of the pianist's other tunes with names like "My Dog's Ass Smells Better Than Your Wife's Crotch" and "Meet Me At Butcher's And I'll Give You Hard Salami, Bitch." They are all some of the most beautiful music the manager has ever heard."Well you're hired, on one condition - you can never announce to the audience what the names of your songs are."The pianist agrees and comes in the following night for his first performance. He plays marvelously and the audience eats it up. After a couple of hours he announces that he needs to take a break and heads to the restroom. He had been drinking steadily and was a bit tipsy and so forgot to repackage himself before leaving the toilet. On the way back out to the lounge he passes a gentlemen who stops him and asks, "Hey buddy, do you know you're fly's undone and you're pecker's hanging out?""Know it? I wrote the fucking thing!"
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
Great stuff, everyone! Thanks for all the laughs. Maybe I'll do this once a week!
If you're awarding accolades for best joke, Kim wins panties down...
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