Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Holy crap, I'm back.

One of my many New Year's resolutions was to reanimate Boiled Dinner. Using the past five years as my basis, I'm tending to follow through annually with 22.5% of my New Year's Resolutions. Given that I had four this year, and one of them was to do what I'm doing right now, that's 25%. I can blow off the other three, and my average will still rise. I am feeling really fucking good about myself right now.

I just finished eating a most delicious salad that I assembled by my own self at the fabulous Whole Foods (aka Whole Paycheck) behind my suburban Denver home. I do appreciate a good salad bar. I'm the kind of guy who makes the salad as large as the container. I am unable to fill only half the container. As I'm making the salad, I believe I'm filling half the container, but when I'm finished I'm like, how the hell did that happen? I filled the whole container. So it was a huge salad, it was, with the following ingredients:
  • Hearts of Romaine Lettuce
  • Cheddar Cheese
  • Jack Cheese
  • Blue Cheese
  • Parmesan Cheese
  • Ham, Cut Into Cubes
  • Turkey, Cut Into Cubes
  • Fresh Croutons. Well, As Fresh As Dried Bread Can Be
  • Boiled Egg Bits
  • Mushrooms
  • Tomatoes
  • Organic Ranch Dressing
It's a fabulous list of ingredients, isn't it? Do me a favor: Take another look at the list and see if you see celery on that list. I'll wait.

No? Didn't think so. That's because I didn't choose to put celery on my salad. However, as I was chewing my final bite, I tasted an unexpected taste that I hadn't tasted during this particular salad excursion. Celery. Somehow a chunk of celery made its way into my salad. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it came from the hearts of romaine lettuce bin. That singular, surprising flavor completely ruined my entire lunch. All of the glorious ingredients I'd so painstakingly mixed together into the taste I desired were trumped by the taste of celery which, I'm not afraid to tell you, I fucking hate. There are four -- yes, merely four -- tastes which I fucking hate, and those are lima beans, avocado (and no, I wouldn't like your guacamole either), beats and celery. And one of them showed up in my salad. That, as the kids like to say, is a pisser.

Oh, I'm in some new ads for Frontier Airlines. Check them out here. Just click on the TV. I'm the reporter.


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