Thursday, February 16, 2006

Obsessed With Dick.

I normally shy away from writing about politics because I'm just a blue-collar Midwestern boy, a.k.a. a moron, but I'm compelled to write about the Dick Cheney "Oops, I Shot a Man" crisis our nation is wallowing in right now. I'm compelled to write about it because everyone else is talking about it -- national news, right-wing talk radio, NPR, people at work, people at the mall, bloggers, kids, the Finnish -- and I'm feeling left out. So I guess I'll weigh in with my opinion, as ignorant as it may be.

I don't get it. The controversy, that is. The big "cover-up." Over what? A stupid hunting accident -- which, for those of you in more sophisticated non-hunting parts of America like New York City or Miami, happens in large numbers ever single year -- in which a man was injured? Oh, it's not the accident itself that's the issue, it's the fact that it took 24 hours for it to be reported to the press?

When I hear people ranting about the "cover-up" and how the press wasn't notified right away, I try to picture the event taking place in a more "acceptable" manner, and here's what I see:

Dick Cheney fires a shot.

"Son of a bitch! Ouch! Dick, you shot me, you motherfucker!" yells Whittington.

Without hesitation, Cheney takes off at a full sprint, running away from Whittington.

"I shot a man!" he screams. "I shot a man! I'm Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America, and I shot a man!"

He opens the driver-side door of the F-150 Super Cab they'd ridden in, grabs the driver, Katharine Armstrong, by the shirt collar and throws her from the vehicle.

"What the fuck, Dick?" she asks.

"Fuck off, Katharine. I shot a man!"

Cheney stomps on the gas, the rear wheels of the truck throwing a spread of gravel that hits Whittington in the face and chest, knocking the 78-year-old godzillionairre on his hiney once again.

"Son of a bitch again!"

Cheney, steering with his knee, holds a cellphone to his left ear and a walkie talkie to his right.

"I shot a man! I'm Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America, and I shot a man!" he says repeatedly as he deftly speed dials one member of the White House Press Corps after another.

By now, a full 90 seconds have passed since the incident and Cheney is panicking; what if he waited too long? What if the American people don't find out that he accidentally shot a man for another 10 minutes? Or longer? What if, and God forgive him for thinking such evil, but what if it takes 24 hours for the American people to find out? What will happen to the country? For God's sake, we've got a new Federal Reserve Chairman; will this topple our economy in his first month of service? That poor, poor man.


Cheney blasts through the gate of the Armstrong Ranch, leaning out the window and yelling to the Secret Service agents standing guard, "I just shot Harry Whittington!"

"Is he okay?" asks one of the agents.

"How the fuck should I know?" Cheney answers. "Worry about that shit later. We gotta let the press know right the fuck now!"

"Should we call an ambulance?" asks the agent again, revealing his naivete in such matters.

"Go fuck yourself!" answers Cheney. "Get the helicopter ready. I got me some press to talk to."

The End

Honestly, is it really that big of a deal that they waited a while to tell the press? I don't think so. I don't like Cheney; I think he's a douche bag. But this is ridiculous. With all of the important information that I think has been kept from us, and all of the cover-ups that I believe have happened, this is not something that warrants anything more than a passing glance.

You want a conspiracy theory? How about this: left-wingers and conspiracy theorists are once again playing right into this adminstration's hands. While they're wasting all this time and energy wondering why it took 24 hours to notify the press about a hunting accident, they're not digging for anything of any importance. Which has to suit the Bush administration just fine.

Don't be a lemming.


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