Thursday, June 21, 2007

Big-vehicle driving douchebags.

Okay. Look. I know you got a big-ass Superduty. I can see it. I can hear it. A full mile away from you, I can fucking see and hear it. I concede that you are King of the Road, Roger Miller. You and all your other Warning-Testosterone-Levels-At-Critical-Mass brothers out there own the road. You proved your point. So now, maybe, just maybe, how about you

GET
OFF
MY
ASS.

First of all, it doesn't matter how slow I'm driving, or in what lane I'm driving. You getting your big shiny chrome bumper two inches from my tailgate is GOING TO GET SOMEONE KILLED.

Let me state right here in this public forum that if it were guaranteed that you would be the only one you killed, I would pull into the left lane, drive 45 and put a big sign in my back window that says, "Please Tailgate Me!" I would root for your death.

The problem is, you and your brothers are never the ones who die. No, you just kill other people. People who, you know, like to drive the speed limit and obey traffic laws. People with kids in the car. Elderly people. My wife. My mom. Me.

Back. The. Fuck. Off.

If you want to go open up your Hemi and see what she's got under that hood of hers, get out to a clear, open stretch of road somewhere and let her rip. When I've got clear highway in front of me, baby I let it fly. Okay, I did before I got this, but that's a whole nother story.

But dude, you're in rush hour traffic. You got up late, you left late, now you're late because of YOU, not ME, so take a deep breath and give a little space there in front of you. Hey, here's a thought: smoke a bowl. Then you'll drive 10 under and leave 12 car lengths between you and the next car.

Oh, and ladies in big SUVs? WTF? Why are you acting like men with small dicks? Are you a man with a small dick? If so, well, read above and apply to you. If not, um, read above and apply to you. 'Cause while the majority of the douchebags about whom I'm speaking are male, that ratio is disturbingly increasing on the female side.

Don't act like a dude. That's just plain gross.

5 comments:

Miz UV said...

OMG, I hate tailgaters! Are they really so stupid they think they'll get there faster by being a foot from my ass? Um, hello -- I SLOW DOWN when someone's TGing me cuz I know they'll need more stopping distance. They should get ticketed for reckless driving IMO. And we seriously need to think about doing away with rights on red. People look to the left to see if anyone's coming, and then they turn without glancing at THE CROSSWALK. Last week a mom and her son were critically injured by one of these assholes.

Joe the Troll said...

Tailgating is inevitable for me, because as soon as I create the right amount of space between me and the car in front of me, some dipshit moves into it and bam, I'm tailgating again.

Lucyp said...

Really , really ticks me off when i look in my rear view mirror and all i can see is the grill of some huge 4x4 looming up behind me.
It is quite scary especially on the motorway but i get caught between moving over and letting them carry on and staying put just to annoy them.

Jodie K said...

OT but similar topic, keep them out of me neighborhood as well. I live in a quaint and for-the-most-part quiet little alcove off I-25 (that's the Mile High main highway for any other than Jeff and I ;), and the asswipes come barrel-assing down the streets, top speed and mufflers blazing. More noise the better apparently.

DangerDoll said...

Women in big-ass automobiles should learn how to drive AND PARK them before they take them to the freakin' mall. I've watched these dimwits take 15 minutes to wiggle into or out of a parking spot. WTF? I mean, look around...people are aging, birds are migrating, grass is dying, oh look the store's been bought by someone else...ALL IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO BACK OUT, STUPID BITCH.

Oh. Sorry. Boy do I feel better!