Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Peed for 92 Seconds

Yesterday afternoon I had a meeting with the Big Boss. My review with my immediate supervisor had gone extremely well last week, so I thought it would be a good idea to get some face time with the BB.

While walking to his office, I realized I was in that purgatorial moment where you kinda have to pee, but not bad enough yet to bother you. Were I sitting at my desk, I'd not get up and go yet. Were I walking directly past the restroom without needing to be somewhere within the next minute, I'd go in. In this instance, however, I was in neither position. I was on my way to the BB's office, and would be right on time without any delays.

"It's only a half an hour," I thought to myself. "It won't get too bad."

Fifteen minutes into the meeting I realized I'd made a mistake. A really big mistake. My water bottle is a cool old canteen that holds about one liter, and I was on my third canteen since 1:00 (it was now 3:20). The meeting was going really, really well, with the topic of my eventual promotion being the focus, so I couldn't very well cut it short and say, "Thanks, BB, gotta pee!"

I stole a glance at the clock on his wall. Only 10 more minutes, I thought. I can do this.

Forty minutes later the BB looked at the clock and said, "Wow, the time flew. I gotta pee."

After sitting there for 45 minutes, sweating, cringing, crippled from the pain, I stood up, managed a smile, and said, "Thanks BB. Me too." He led and I followed, hobbling along with the familiar I've-had-to-pee-for-an-hour stride.

Once in the men's room, he took the left urinal and I took the right, leaving the center urinal vacant, as guys do. The relief was more than I could bear. I started to cry.

Yes, I literally had tears in my eyes. When the BB finished, flushed and went to wash his hands, I was merely a third of the way finished. I stood there, tears rolling down my cheeks, counting off seconds. Sixty-five. Sixty-six. Sixty-seven.

"Talk to you later, Jeff," the BB said as he walked out.

A choked "yep" is all I managed in reply. Seventy-seven. Seventy-eight.

After a full 92 seconds, I was finished. A minute and a half of peeing. While washing my hands, I looked at my face in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and wet. My face was flushed. I started laughing at myself. While walking out, a co-worker walked in and saw me.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "That was just really awesome."

17 comments:

Lucyp said...

So then... you walked out of the toilet with a flushed face, tears in your eyes and saying that it was awesome?

The Wench said...

Hahaha, good one, Lucy.

Heath said...

First, I laughed out loud reading that, then realized that I was not on mute in the meeting I'm in. It was not an appropriate point for me to laugh either.

Second, I have had some really good pee's in my time. Some almost rivaling an orgasm.

Don said...

LOL! Too bad you didn't get to say that just after the BB had walked out.

I only remember one interminable urination and that was a year or two ago and I was stoned (something I do every twelve years on average) and my stoned clock said I went for an hour and twenty seven minutes but my not-stoned clock was probably reading more like thirty two seconds but still, I was crazy giggling when I went back to people, only they didn't notice for the obvious reasons.

O' Tim said...

Guffaw!! That's great affirmation for why the Brits call lots of drinking a "piss up."

My brother used to fuck with me on backpacking trips by saying, in the direction opposite of me, "Hey! How's it going?" about halfway into a good forest pee. Talk about teddy turtle syndrome.

PJ said...

I really shouldn't laugh at the idea of my son in pain, but I couldn't help myself. This was hilarious.

Webmiztris said...

sounds orgasmic, jeff. nothing like a good pee...lol!

DangerDoll said...

ROTF! URINE-GASMS!

My daughter consistently pees just before she gets in the shower (I guess it's the running water that does it). So she's sitting there, blissed out, leans forward and drops her head into her hands. I ask what's wrong. She snaps her head up. Nothing, she chirps. It just feels really ticklish and good when the pee comes out, and I like to enjoy it!

gekko said...

Yeah, at least you didn't have to ask the BB if she had a spare tampon ...

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Damn I hate those conference room pee waits. That was funny! Pee-gasm...I Learned a new word!

Cheezy said...

Great story, Jeff! Very involving. I felt like I was peeing vicariously, through you.

Don: Peeing while trippin' is even better. Entire civilisations rise and fall while you're pointing 'percy' at the porcelain...

ravenous said...

great story!!!

Beware: Social Worker on the edge said...

Haha...I am going to finish this XL coffee and wait for a good pee. Need a little something to make this day...good pee might do it.

Kate

Natsthename said...

LOL. That SO reminds me of one of the recent SNL fake commercials..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=U-hMU8dwbtI

Nikki said...

I laughed out loud at this.

Pee-gasim....sounds entirely to kinky.

jennyjinx said...

That is too funny. I'm sorry, Jeff, I can relate, but it's still funny.

Even more so after I saw Lucy's comment. Mwahahaha!

Jane Doe said...

the funniest thing I've read all week. thanks.